The Issue With Udders

“Sorry about leaving you to get pummeled while I left you with Armour-Hide as a decoy. Best chance I thought we’d get at winning that last fight!” Brawl mentioned as he and Vert rode a ferry back to Leanbox. “It’s no problem my friend. If anything, you’ve shown that you’re much smarter than you appear.” Vert complimented as Brawl furrowed his brow in confusion. “Are you saying I look dumb?” He asked. “Dumb, but intelligent and charming in your own way.” Vert reassured. “Oh, good, for a second I thought I was being generalized under the blanket stereotype of the strongman in most team builds!” Brawl remarked. “How so?” Vert inquired. “We’re typically seen as irrational, stupid, constantly threatening to kill people or high on adrenaline. Frankly, given who else can apply as strongmen, I’m not surprised.” Brawl grumbled.

<meanwhile>

“GET READY TO FACE THE END ALL…THE BLEED ALL…THE PLEAD ALL…REEE-COOOOOME!!!” Recoome bellowed as the audience at the Epic Battles Arena cheered wildly for him. “WOO HOO HOO!!! BRING IT ON CARROT-TOP!!! I WANNA GET THIS SHOW ON THE ROAD!!!” Wild-Rider barked as he bounced impatiently on the spot for some action. “HELP!!! HELP!!! LET ME OUTTA HERE!!! I DON’T WANNA DIE!!!” Hunk pleaded as he pounded on the door out of the arena. “GRAB A SNICKERS FOOL!!! IT’S TIME TO GET SOME NUTS!!!” B.A. Baracus barked as he shoved a Snickers Bar into Hunk’s mouth. “BRING IT ON YOU LIGHTWEIGHTS!!! I’M GONNA SHOW YOU WHO THE REAL STRONGEST STRONG GUY IS!!!” Blanc declared loudly as she transformed to HDD. “ME GRIMLOCK NO LIGHTWEIGHT!!! ME GRIMLOCK KING!!!” Grimlock berated as he leapt into the arena with his Cleaver-Sword drawn. “THEN GET READY TO BE HUMILIATED!!! BECAUSE THE NAME’S…RECOOME!!! IT RHYMES…WITH DOOM!!! AND YOU’RE GONNA BE HURTIN’…ALL…TOO…SOOOON!!!” Recoome proclaimed as he struck his Final Pose, followed immediately after by his special attack. “RECOOME…ULTRA…FIGHTING…MIRACLE…BOMBER!!!” Recoome bellowed as the entire arena went nuclear with the deafening explosion.

<back on the ferry>

“Those kinds of guys don’t have the class that I do!” Brawl lamented as a mushroom cloud erupted in the distance, followed by the faint, but sharp cracking of the sound barrier being obliterated. “Question, why did you invite me to Leanbox again? Swindle’s the one who handles business…and Onslaught’s the leader of our team…so why me?” Brawl asked as he turned to Vert, neither of them aware of the explosion. “Well, the first reason is a proposition, the second is part of a promise I made to you before our battle.” Vert answered as Brawl furrowed his brow once again in confusion. “Uh…listen…I know you’re an immortal goddess and I’m an essentially ageless automaton but…I just don’t think we have the same chemistry that Blanc and Grim have…” Brawl mentioned as he balanced theoretical concepts in his hands. “WHAT!!! Oh no! I don’t mean that kind of proposal! Besides, I see you more as a little brother.” Vert mentioned as the ferry docked. “Oh. Considering your lack of siblings and an accidental message I sent when dropping a mirror into the water, I have an idea where this proposition is going.” Brawl figured as he and Vert disembarked the ferry, continuing with a simple stroll toward the Basilicom. “Potentially. So…what do you think of the offer?” Vert asked. “Uh…I’ma still need to put consideration into the offer, since I was accidentally swept up in the SwindleCo. buy out, making me Lowee military AND we still have business ties with Noire, also making me a Lastation-based Merc.” Brawl brought up as they arrived at the Basilicom. “I’ll handle that.” Vert declared abruptly, Brawl quickly noticing that her calm and collected expression was hiding a childish and eager desperation, visible only through her eyes. “I know you want me to say ‘YEAH TOTALLY’ to being your sibling, BUT I’VE GOT THE WORRYING IMPRESSION YOU’RE COMING ON TO ME!!!” Brawl panicked as he and Vert entered the elevator. “I ensure you, I’m not. I’m just a little eager, I apologize. I’ll give you ample time to consider this big choice.” Vert allowed as the elevator doors closed.

<a few minutes later, once on the penthouse level>

“PLEASE!!! BE MY YOUNGER SISTER!!! I BEG OF YOU!!! WAAAAAH!!!” Vert wept, crying uncontrollably while clutching Brawl’s leg like an infant denied her binki. “CALM DOWN WOMAN!!! YOU HAVEN’T EVEN GIVEN ME ENOUGH TIME TO ASK ANOTHER CONDITIONAL QUESTION!!!” Brawl wailed as he limped from the elevator, dragging Vert with him. “BUT I NEED A YOUNGER SISTER!!! YOU HAVE NO IDEA HOW LONELY IT IS BEING THE SOLE CPU OF A NATION!!! YOU HAVE TO AGREE TO BE LEANBOX’S CPU CANDIDATE!!! PLE-E-EASE!!!” Vert cried, a deep puddle developing under her from the streams of tears. “OK OK OK!!! WHERE DO I SIGN UP!?!” Brawl exclaimed before being splashed with tear water getting kicked up, his vision clearing to see a perfectly composed Vert standing before him with a sheet of paper and a fountain pen. “Right on the dotted line.” She directed as Brawl signed up his name on the paper, only for the paper to disappear into pixel like particles. “Now consume this somehow!” Vert directed as she offered Brawl a floppy disk. “ONE STEP AT A TIME!!! I noticed on the paper before it disappeared that I was now a CPU Candidate. Does that mean what I think it does?” Brawl checked. “Only if you consume the floppy disk!” Vert answered. “I’ma have to slam the brakes on that one! Especially since, even though we’ve known each other for a long time, we don’t know much about each other. Another issue: we’re almost direct opposites of each other in every physical sense! Thicc clunky robot < slim elegant deity. See the problem?” Brawl asked. “Well…I suppose your right. Do you at least have the time to spare as an Oracle? Chika is currently unavailable.” Vert excused, just as Chika arrived in the elevator with a mop and bucket for the tear puddle. “No she isn’t. She’s right there!” Brawl pointed out as Vert flash transformed to HDD and used her spear to sever the elevator cables, causing Chika to drop multiple floors, the landing being pronounced with a loud explosion. “No, she’s unavailable!” Vert corrected, transforming back to her human form and confusing the Combaticon. “Oh…kay…what’s first on the agenda?” Brawl asked as he applied some reading glasses and was handed a clipboard. “First, I’d like to lobby against some foolish human law that has existed since my conception as goddess of Leanbox! The law that breasts are to be covered!” Vert proclaimed as Brawl checked that item on the docket, perking up in concern when he heard the order out loud. “Uh…I’m sure there’s a complex reason behind it existing in the first place. Hell, FEMBOTS get heat when a toy malfunction or risqué design leads to exposed breasts.” Brawl mentioned as Vert facepalmed. “Let me explain in a manner you’ll understand.” She decided.

<a few minutes later, at the SwindleCo. Regional Leanbox HQ>

“See that cow?” Vert directed as she and Brawl marched through the harbour-side warehouse, to where Coran was milking the Voltron Team’s cow. “Greetings Madam, Brawl. I was just making sure everything here was in top condition for when Swindle remembers we’re stranded here without a working boat or radio equipment. On a side note, could you call Swindle and tell him A: we’ve run out of rations. And B: we have a new product for him: Altean milk!” Coran proclaimed as he presented the bucket of milk the cow had produced. “To answer your question Vert: yes, I do see the cow. What does this have to do with your contempt against this basic law against breast exposure?” Brawl demanded, Coran perking up in confusion. “I beg your pardon!” Coran gulped. “This doesn’t concern you! BEGONE!!!” Vert ordered as Brawl backhanded Coran through the wall and into the drink. “Simply put Brawl. What function do a women’s breasts and a cow’s udders have in common?” Vert asked. “Uh…they generate milk?” Brawl guessed. “And is this cow wearing some form of bikini? Brassiere? Corset?” Vert demanded as she gestured angrily to the cow. “Erm…no.” Brawl answered slowly, his brow furrowing progressively deeper as he processed this confusing motive. “EXACTLY THE POINT!!! HOW DOES AN ANIMAL WITH NO RIGHTS WHATSOEVER HAVE MORE FREEDOM THAN HUMANS DO WHEN IT COMES TO BASIC LIFESTYLE CHOICES!?!” Vert exploded, Brawl scratching his head in confusion while Coran clambered spluttering and soaked from the docks. “Might I interject madam?” He asked while trudging over, pulling a star fish from his foot and throwing it out the hole in the wall. “Denied! OFF WITH YOU!!!” Vert ordered as Brawl grabbed Coran, pitched and threw him toward the back of the warehouse, toppling a tower of boxes. “I kinda see where you’re coming from now. But this still doesn’t make any sense.” Brawl mentioned. “But think about it! If women have less rights THAN LIVESTOCK, then where do you think human rights as a whole are going?” Vert challenged, blissfully unaware the cow was now eating her dress. “Technically speaking, if you’re a goddess, you could just change to your divine form and follow the Greek Goddess Dress Code.” Brawl suggested as Vert perked up in curiousity. “Let’s try that!” She declared before transforming to HDD, grabbing Brawl by his turret and flying out the warehouse through the ceiling. “GYAAAAAH!!!” Brawl wailed as he went flying, Coran stumbling from the pile of crates, looking around before frowning in disappointment at the lack of anyone else being on site. “Looks like it’s just you and me again Beatrice.” He sighed, the cow giving off a loud moo in response.

<a few minutes later, back at the Leanbox Basilicom>

“How do I look?” Vert asked as she waltzed onto an impromptu runway on the rooftop garden of the Basilicom, Brawl with his reading glasses and Chika in a full body cast as her audience. Vert herself was wearing a low hanging toga, Brawl quickly suffering the equivalent of a nose bleed when he noticed the exposed bust. “WOW!!! UH…MY OPINIONS ARE CONFLICTED NOW!!! SUCH BOUNCE!!!” Brawl exclaimed before slapping himself back to reality. “So. Bit of a problem in review. The demographic to review is not wide enough, I’ve since summoned a surprise secondary contestant/judge!” Brawl declared as a plasma axe planted itself into the wall just above his head, barely missing it. “MY CONCLUSION IS THAT THIS EVENT WAS RIGGED JUST TO HUMILIATE ME!!! GIVE ME A GOOD REASON WHY I SHOULDN’T TEAR YOU APART RIGHT NOW FOR INVITING ME TO THIS PANTOMIME!!!” Blanc exploded, also in HDD and in a similarly revealing toga. “WAIT WAIT WAIT WAIT!!! I CAN EXPLAIN!!! VERT!!! THERE’S YOUR ANSWER!!! RIGHT THERE!!!” Brawl wailed as Blanc and Vert perked up before turning to each other, then looking further down to the others’ bust. “Your point?” They asked in unison. “No melons are equal?” Brawl quacked as he was quickly grabbed by the neck and thrown through multiple floors by Blanc. “THIS HAS JUST BEEN A HUGE WASTE OF MY TIME!!! GO FCK YOURSELF BRAWL!!!” Blanc complained as she flipped off Brawl before reengaging her HDD form’s battle suit and wings before taking off back for Lowee, Vert peering down into the holes to see how bad the damage was. “OH MY!!! Uh…this doesn’t look good.” Vert gulped as Chika wheeled herself over. “Could’a been worse. Could’a been me, you’re biggest fan and closest friend!” Chika grumbled as Vert frowned in irritation before pushing Chika’s wheelchair over the edge of the hole, dropping her multiple floors too. “DAMN YOOOUUU!!!” Chika wailed during the plummet.

<later that night>

Once upon a midnight dreary, while Brawl pondered, weak and weary, over many a quaint and curious volume of forgotten lore. While he nodded, nearly napping, suddenly there came a tapping, as of someone gently rapping, rapping at his chamber door. “Tis some visitor?” Brawl muttered, “tapping at my chamber door?” Only this and nothing more. “What the hell are you talking about?” Vert demanded as she threw the door open. “DAMN IT!!! I WAS TRYING TO USE THIS POEM TO COPE!!! I JUST CAN’T HANDLE HOW ALMOST NON-SENSICAL YOUR CONTENTION IS!!! GAAAAAH!!!” Brawl screamed hysterically as he began smashing his head repeatedly into the wall, only this and nothing more. “It’s only a simple quarrel dear, calm down!” Vert insisted. “WELL, SPOILER ALERT, I’M SIMPLE MINDED!!! OF COURSE I LOOK STUPID!!! IT’S BECAUSE I AM STUPID!!! I CAN’T FIX THIS PROBLEM, ITS ONE THAT’S BUILT INTO EVERY SINGLE KIND OF CULTURE IN EXISTANCE!!! THE ONLY SOLUTION IS WE STAGE SOME KIND OF BIZARRE FORM OF PROTEST INVOLVING A COW IN SOME CAPACITY!!!” Brawl exploded before having an idea. “I have an idea!” He declared with an evil hand rub.

<the next day>

“Heya Brawl! Why’d you…WHAT THE FCK!?!” Swindle exclaimed as he, Blanc, Neptune and Noire arrived, having been summoned to a picnic in Leanbox. “Hello peers! Would you care for some aged-Vert Cheese?” Brawl offered, Vert wearing a cow costume with exposed breasts while an actual cow sat at the table wearing Vert’s usual clothes. “WHAT…THE…FCK…” Blanc squeaked as Swindle blinked his optic shutters slowly, smoke and a faint grinding slowly developing from his processor. “Don’t worry! The milk used for the cheese was free range! Otherwise, we also have milk, yogurt, butter and cream!” Brawl offered. “EXPLAIN…NOW!!!” Noire quacked. “In an effort of protest, I have decided to mock one of the oldest sexist acts ever by presenting myself as the only creature that doesn’t have to follow that rule! And yes, the fact that it’s called ‘Vert Cheese’ is for the reasons you’re thinking off.” Vert confirmed as Brawl emptied a recently filled breast-milk pump into a butter churner before commencing churning, Swindle’s processor emitting a microwave ding before he began reacting in real time again. “ARE YOU INSANE!?! THIS HAS GOT TO BE THE WORST IDEA POSSIBLE!!! EVER!!! NO EXCEPTIONS!!!” Swindle wailed. “This is a bit weird to ask, but do you have more costumes?” Blanc asked as Swindle went wide-opticked in horror. “WHAT!?!” He exclaimed. “Of course! We can make a huge range of items for this protest! I can imagine though that a slim amount of people are gonna agree with it though…” Brawl figured as he pulled some more modified cow costumes from behind the table.

<a few hours later>

“WHY CAN’T WE JOIN IN THE FUN!?!” Ram demanded. “TOO YOUNG!!! GO AWAY!!!” Brawl barked, his livery updated with a Leanbox coat of arms emblazoned on the left face of his tank turret. “NO FAIR!!! WE’RE PROGRESSIVE TOO!!!” Ram complained. “I DON’T CARE!!! BUZZ OFF!!!” Brawl ordered. “FOOWEE!!! YOU SUCK BRAWL!!!” Ram insulted before storming off in a tantrum. “Can we at least have some of the produce?” Rom asked as Brawl furrowed his brow in concern. “Boss?” He checked. “ABSOLUTELY NOT!!!” Onslaught denied, the other Combaticons struggling to handle six cows dressed up in the attire of Vert, Blanc, Neptune, Noire, Nepgear and Uni, the aforementioned CPUs and Candidates wearing the satirical cow costumes. “NOT YOU!!! I MEANT BOSS #2!!!” Brawl corrected, pointing to Vert. “A little appetizer won’t hurt. Swindle?” Vert prompted. “EUGH!!! Would you like from the Lowee Range? The Lastation Range? The Leanbox Range? Or the Planeptune Range? The Lastation and Planeptune ones come with diet options.” Swindle mentioned as he trudged over to a display booth with milk, cheese, butter, yogurt and cream products atop, all of them from a variety of different ranges, Rom instantly realizing the catch after Swindle added on the ‘diet’ options based on the only two nations that had CPU Candidates. “UH…I’ll take a pickle.” She sighed as Swindle handed her a single gherkin. “This whole protest is a little weird, but I suppose it’s for a…semi noble cause?” Nepgear commented, Vortex using a modified jackhammer to churn more butter while Blast-Off and Onslaught slowly transferred a pallet of recently pumped milk. “I know, and it’s a societal norm too late to fix, but at least we can have fun pointing it out.” Vert acknowledged as the Ginyu Force arrived. “Afternoon guys! Care for some exotic dairy products?” Brawl offered. “No, we’re here to declare copyright infringement!” Ginyu declared. “Wait, WHAT!?!” Brawl exclaimed. “Yeah mate! You’re just producing products our names are puns on!” Jeice reminded, pointing toward one of the wheels of cheese being matured nearby. “What are the conditions? I’m new to the job and I really don’t want to lose it this quickly because of a trademark disagreement!” Brawl declared. “Simple, change the packaging to have our logo on it and give us free samples!” Burter declared as Swindle leaned over. “GO WITH THE DEAL!!! THESE GUYS HAVE AN UNSTOPPABLE LEGAL TEAM!!!” Swindle whispered. “Oh! Sure things guys! I’ll get to it as soon as possible! Cheers!” Brawl toasted as he handed the Ginyu Force bottles of the various variants of milk. “In deed! Cheers!” Ginyu toasted back as the team started chugging down the milk. “If this somehow outdoes SwindleCola, then I’m gonna be stumped. Especially since this’d either be a once-off or incredibly sought after when on sale!” Swindle mentioned. “I’m just pleased that my simple visit to Leanbox so that Vert could do good on her deal turned into my most enjoyable second job yet!” Brawl laughed as Guldo noticed something off with the milk. “Wait…is the weird after taste in the Lowee Range a byproduct of the source?” Guldo asked aloud before what sounded like an angry bronco roared behind him and he began running away in terror from Blanc charging at him in a blind rage. “Well that’s just great!” Brawl cursed while pulling a similar Failure Grimace to Swindle’s, prompting to originator to laugh hysterically while Guldo’s screams of terror echoed in the distance.