“Welcome back to MISS STORYVERSE!!! Where this time, we’re making it legit!” Sideswipe promised. “Oh boy! A talent show where one person controls the outcome! Superb TV, if I say so myself!” Sunstreaker groaned. “Hey! You’re just salty you aren’t participating!” Sideswipe berated. “Whatever! Didn’t the last pageant end in someone getting killed? And costing us millions in property damage?” Sunstreaker recalled. “Yeah, but it was a bigot who got killed!” Sideswipe reminded. “Of course! Then who are the contestants?” Sunstreaker inquired. “Well, our first contestant is our newest arrival: introducing Bunnie D’Coolette as Missus Archie Sonic!” Sideswipe proceeded, the crowd cheering to Bunnie as she emerged on the stage, wearing a pink evening dress and a sash proclaiming her role. “Thank you! Thank y’all so much!” Bunnie thanked profusely, blowing kisses to the crowd. “Up next, we have a returning contestant! Here’s Pidge as Miss Voltron!” Sideswipe continued as Pidge also emerged onto the stage, wearing a green gown. “Also making a return from last time is…” Sideswipe began before a loud crash sounded from back stage. “What was that?” Sunstreaker quacked. “Yo, stage hands! What the fck just happened?” Sideswipe whispered into his mic.
<meanwhile, backstage>
“Technical issues, Blanc’s been hit hard with a sandbag!” Roadhandler reported, Blanc on the floor with her eyes spinning and tiny birds flying around her head, a bloodied sandbag off to the side of her. [WHAT!?! OH FORGOT IT!!! FINDA BACK-UP!!!] Sideswipe ordered.
<back in the auditorium>
“Apologies for the inconvenience folks! But our original Miss HDN has come down with a bag-BAD…case of spontaneous headaches!” Sideswipe excused. “Going real smooth this time around!” Sunstreaker sighed, quickly wincing in pain as Sideswipe ground his foot into his under the desk. “Taking her place, Rom and Ram! As Miss HDN and Miss HDN!” Sideswipe announced, the twins strolling onto the stage in their own respectively colored dresses. “And finally, representing The Author’s latest favorite video game: The Cloaker! As Miss Payday!” Sideswipe concluded as the Cloaker leapt onto the stage, still in full combat gear. “BETTER LATE THAN NEVER!!!” He bragged. “Now, onto our new list of arbitrations! I MEAN…Uh…CHALLENGES!!!” Sideswipe proclaimed. “Let me guess, is this one gonna be…” Sunstreaker proceeded. “…A ROCK OFF WITH SATAN!!!” Sideswipe concluded, Sunstreaker going wide opticked in alarm as Tenacious D’s ‘Beelzeboss’ picked up in the background.
Round 1:
Rock Off With Satan“ARE YOU FCKING KIDDING ME!?! WHEN DID OUR BUDGET ALLOW FOR THIS!?!” Sunstreaker exploded as the studio began shaking violently and Satan emerged from a glowing pentagram in the stage floor. “Since we got sponsored! Here’s a message from them, by the way!” Sideswipe proceeded as an ad banner started scrolling across the bottom of the screen. “We’d like to thank our sponsors at Col. Carl’s Corny Car Corner Shop for sponsoring tonight’s special!” Sideswipe exposited. “THIS IS NOT WHAT OUR AD MONEY WAS MEANT FOR!!!” Sunstreaker wailed. “Who dare summon me?” Satan demanded. “Hello! We’re hosting a talent show and were wondering if you’d like to participate in a rock-off with…whichever of our contestants can actually face you…” Sideswipe suggested. “Hmph! I fear no mortal!” Satan proclaimed, hearing a guitar strum behind him and turning to see Bunnie wielding an acoustic bass. “Looks like it’s time to blow doors down!” She figured, the set layout turning into Friday Night Funkin’. “This should be interesting!” Sideswipe observed. “Isn’t this format ill-advised for musical interlude?” Sunstreaker brought up, Sideswipe grimacing in realization. “WE’RE STICKING TO OUR GUNS!!! GO!!!” Sideswipe barked, the final boss theme for Sonic Heroes picking up instead.
Bunnie:I don’t care what you’re thinking, as you turn to me!‘Cause what I have in my two hands, is enough to set me free!I can fight the feeling to resist it over time!But when it’s just too much to take, you sneak up from behind!Is it me, you say, you’re looking for?Let me show you who I am and what I’m here for!Try to reach inside of me!Try to drain my energy!Let me show you, WHAT, I’M, MADE OF!!!With just those notes, Bunnie’s guitar riffs were enough to send Satan cowering back to hell. “That was…disappointingly easy! Bunnie wins Round 1!” Sideswipe allowed as Bunnie spun her bass guitar around like a pistol and rested it on her back, turning around to see the other contestants gawking in awe. “What? Y’all don’t play?” She asked in abstract disbelief. “Onto the next challenge! Which should hopefully be as easy as pie!” Sideswipe prefaced. “Is it gonna be ba…” Sunstreaker began. “EVERYONE TO THE KITCHEN!!! IT’S TIME TO BAKE!!!” Sideswipe confirmed.
Round 2:
Baking“For this one, we’ve simplified things! All you need do is bake us something that classifies as a bakery item! Meaning no cheaping out and making Altean Food Goo!” Sideswipe berated. “And also, due to circumstances that confuse everyone: rabbit meat is permitted! Because apparently mobians, even the traditional herbivores, also eat meat!” Sunstreaker observed. “What if it’s vegan chili dogs?” Sideswipe pondered. “YOU GOTTA BE KIDDING ME!!! I CAN’T BAKE TO SAVE MY HIDE AND YOU’RE ALLOWING THE OTHER CONTESTANTS TO USE RABBIT MEAT!?!” Bunnie exploded. “Hey! If we’re going to be realistic here, your husband coulda eaten your ass a long time ago! Because guess who falls underneath coyotes in the food chain!” Sideswipe reminded. “For the record, numb-nuts! He already does!” Bunnie retorted, prompting a panicked wail from Sideswipe. “You disgust me!” Sunstreaker hissed. “Hey! While you were arguing, we finished the challenge!” Pidge pointed out, the Lambo Twins being presented with a cornucopia of baked goods. “If only because we’d be killed if we said otherwise, Rom and Ram’s cookies win!” Sunstreaker allowed. “WHAT!?!” Pidge exclaimed as Rom and Ram celebrated. “Look! You’re not under contractural obligation to be generous to someone whose elder sibling can smite us off the face of the planet!” Sideswipe reminded. “But their cookies are overcooked!” The Cloaker protested, Sunny and Sides perking up before taking note of the cookies’ condition, which soon worsened when they spontaneously combusted. “And yours is better?” The twins challenged in unison, being presented with a standing Cake Skulldozer. “YOU CALL THIS A BAKING CONTEST!?! WE CALL THIS A DIFFICULTY TWEAK!!!” The Cloaker proclaimed. “The fact that it’s standing is impressive.” Sunstreaker commented. “So it wins!” Sideswipe corrected. “Aww…” Rom and Ram sighed. “Try a little harder!” The Cloaker taunted. “Our next challenge is a little out of left field, but is worth the free admission!” Sideswipe prefaced. “Let me guess…” Sunstreaker groaned. “…BOXING!!!” Sideswipe confirmed.
Round 3:
Boxing
“I WAS THINKING OF A ROLLER COASTER ENDURANCE TEST!!!” Sunstreaker wailed. “Huh…what if we combined the two?” Sideswipe proposed. “Oh god!” Sunstreaker groaned as he facepalmed.
Round 3.5:
Roller Coaster Boxing“Don’t worry! It’s simple! Just box the other contestants off the coaster before you hit the loop! Have a nice ride!” Sideswipe wished as he threw a lever and the roller coaster began its climb up the track. “HAVE AT ‘EM, CLOAKER BOY!!!” Pidge challenged as she threw a right hook at the Cloaker, who simply dodged the attack and head-butt the Paladin. “WORK SMARTER, NOT HARDER!!!” The Cloaker burned before getting caught in a left hook by Bunnie and sent flying off the coaster. “THAT’S NO WAY TO TREAT A LADY, BUSTER!!!” Bunnie called after. “Too bad, BECAUSE I’M A GIRL!!!” Pidge retorted as she punched Bunnie, the two devolving into pathetically slapping each other before getting tripped by Ram and falling off the coaster. “YAY!!! WE WIN!!!” Ram cheered, Rom still seated in the coaster. “Uh…Ram…” Rom hesitated as the coaster went into a dive and sent Ram flying off as well.
<at the end of the track>
“This better have been worth it!” Sunstreaker groaned as Sideswipe was given a printout of Rom’s obligatory ride photo and the coaster came to a halt. “It was! Onto the nest challenge!” Sideswipe proclaimed. “Lemme guess: first to win two wins overall?” Rom gulped. “Correct!” Sideswipe confirmed as he handed Rom the photo. “What even is the next challenge?” Sunstreaker demanded. “A diamond heist!” Sideswipe proclaimed. “FOR FCK’S SAKE!!!” Sunstreaker exploded.
Round 4:
The Diamond Heist“So who’s the unlucky fool?” Sunstreaker asked as he and Sideswipe oversaw the heist from a neighbouring building, the Stealth Phase for I Will Give You My All 2017 starting in the background. “Doug Fjord! Bastard somehow got his hands on Trump Card’s fortunes after he died again!” Sideswipe explained. “So does this have anything to do with the pageant?” Sunstreaker demanded. “Uh…Sorta!” Sideswipe quacked.
<meanwhile>
“Sector 1 secure.” A guard reported as Pidge rolled for cover behind a pot plant. “Sector 2 secure.” Another guard reported as Bunnie breached from the ventilation and landed without a sound behind the guard, also dodging for cover. “Sector 4 secure.” A third guard reported, quickly and silently getting taken out by Ram. “Sector 3, report!” The first guard ordered, Rom attempting to sneak past and accidentally knocking a vase, triggering the alarm and beginning the Anticipation Phase of I Will Give You My All 2017. “INTRUDER!!! GET SWAT ON THE SCENE!!! PROTECT THE DIAMONDS!!!” The second guard exclaimed as Bunnie jumped the guard. “WHERE’S NINJA COP!?!” She called out, Pidge attempting to cut the vault open with her Bayard. “Musta bugged out!” Pidge figured before audio interference built up behind her and she was dropkicked by the Cloaker.
[///POLICE ASSAULT IN PROGRESS///]
“YOU WANTED ME BACK, SO I’M BACK!!!” The Cloaker exclaimed as he was about to club Pidge with the nightstick, only for Bunnie to grab his arm. “That’s no way to treat a lady, buster!” Bunnie growled as she twisted the Cloaker’s wrist and threw the SWAT enforcer out the tower window. “Thanks!” Pidge sighed as she got back to work. “No problem!” Bunnie admitted before hearing a loud electrical priming behind her. “LIGHTNING BOLT, LIGHTNING BOLT!!!” The Taser called out before Pidge was tased and Bunnie was bulldozed by the Bulldozer. “MAKE WAY, FOR THE DOZER!!!” The Bulldozer exclaimed before getting bench pressed by Bunnie and thrown into the Taser. “WAAAGH!!!” The Taser wailed as he was pinned down, Pidge just finishing cutting open the vault. “WE’RE THROUGH!!!” She called back, wailing in terror upon turning around to an army of Cloakers. “YOU CALL THIS RESISTING ARREST!?! WE CALL THIS A DIFFICULTY TWEAK!!!” The Cloakers exclaimed in unison before getting blasted into the air by an ice explosion. “GRAB THE BIGGEST ONE AND RUN!!!” Ram called ahead, she and Rom in HDD. “Roger! Wait, WHERE ARE THE DIAMONDS!?!” Pidge exclaimed, turning to see an empty vault. “Thanks for the distraction, ladies!” A new voice called as everyone paused their fighting and turned to see four men in suits and clown masks making their escape via helicopter, the diamonds loaded into the chopper. “So long, ya wankers!” Another wished as the chopper took off. “WE’VE BEEN HAD!!!” The Bulldozer wailed. “You could say that again!” Bunnie groaned.
<meanwhile>
[Thanks for fulfilling your end of the bargain. Now I’ll fulfill mine.] Bain mentioned over the radio as Sunstreaker held in hysteric crying. “No probs! Glad we could help!” Sideswipe admitted. “So you mean to tell me this whole thing was a massive distraction so some clowns could steal the diamonds of a dead bigot from another bigot?” Sunstreaker wept. “YUP!!!” Sideswipe confirmed. “Sometimes I HATE being related to you!” Sunstreaker growled.
Records of an Aspie 