“What are you doing?” Swindle demanded, Vortex polishing a plowshare. “Operating a farm, dip-shit! What does it look like?” Vortex challenged as Swindle turned with a skeptical glare toward the farm in question. “WE MUST RISE UP, MY FELLOW PORKSHEVICS!!! RISE UP AGAINST OUR TYRANNICAL LEADER!!!” Hunk proclaimed, having amassed an army of pigs. “People of the Cowletariat! We have a common enemy, you and I! And his name, IS MINIMUM WAGE!!!” Lance declared, speaking before a herd of cattle. “What I’m seeing is my worst nightmare: a communist revolution! Also, if this is an animal farm, why are you polishing a plow?” Swindle asked as Vortex wielded the plowshare like a scythe and stomped toward the animals. “Go figure!” Swindle sighed as blood splattered at his feet, followed by the panicked wails of Hunk and Lance as the Cowletariats and Porkchevics were slaughtered. “There we go! Now we have dinner!” Vortex chuckled as he stomped back over, drenched in produce blood. “Did Keith put you up to this?” Swindle inquired. “Yup! At least I think that’s why he gave me the plow…” Vortex pondered as a manic scream sounded nearby and the two Combaticons turned to see a mortified Keith staring upon the crime scene. “Don’t worry! It’s halal, because I was stopping a revolution!” Vortex reassured. “That’s not how halal works!” Swindle berated. “DID YOU HAVE TO KILL ALL OF THEM!?!” Keith wailed as he stormed over and held up a severed cow head. “Hey! You should have known this would happen when you trusted me! ME!!! With a sharp object and a shit ton of livestock!” Vortex protested. “That’s beside the point! WHY ARE YOU IMBECILES RUNNING A FARM IN THE MIDDLE OF THE HQ!?!” Swindle exploded, the camera zooming out to reveal the farm was inside the warehouse. “Explains why the crops didn’t grow…” Vortex muttered. “Because this island isn’t exactly a good environment to grow the kind of crops I want to grow, regardless as to if they were indoors or out!” Keith explained. “Wait, crops?WHAT crops?” Swindle demanded. “The ones we lied about to insurance when we started the farm.” Keith answered. “And the sentient aubergines I murdered roughly two years ago.” Vortex added. “Why’d you have to lie to insurance to start a farm?” Swindle asked. “Because the bitch insuring the farm for us is a staunch vegan and wouldn’t give us the money unless we declared we were growing crops!” Vortex explained. “THEN FIND SOMEONE ELSE TO INSURE THE FARM!!!” Swindle pointed out. “You don’t get it! I like pissing people off! So I thought I’d teach this one a lesson by outing that despite being a vegan and wishing hell upon a certain angry British chef, she sponsored an animal farm, then she’ll think twice about undermining Keith for eating a kebab!” Vortex proclaimed. “I thought this was insured by the staunch vegan! Now it’s been sponsored? AND THIS IS ALL OVER A KEBAB!?!” Swindle gathered. “Pretty much! Psycho even has a mug saying cow milk is for baby cows! Too bad we discontinued the Deus Milk, otherwise we’d have a field day of teaching her what happens when you follow your own garbage advice!” Vortex laughed. “Good point.” Keith agreed. “So…what are we going to tell her when we inevitably try to pull off insurance fraud?” Swindle pondered, Vortex scratching some of the now dried livestock blood off his panels. “That the Soviet Union collapsed again?” Vortex suggested. “Shut up! None of our audience reads George Orwell!” Swindle berated. “Why do we have vegans anyway?” Lance asked as he and Hunk trudged over, also covered in the blood of the farm animals. “Apparently a select few humans started caring about the food they were eating and have now declared everyone else murderers for eating meat and drinking milk!” Vortex explained. “To be fair, there are vegans who aren’t condescending assholes and that do it for cultural and ethical reasons.” Swindle argued. “Yeah, but this one has a superiority complex! So much so that when another vegan said she didn’t represent all vegans, SHE THOUGHT HE WAS BEING DISCRIMINATORY AGAINST HER SEX AND AGE!!!” Vortex exploded. “And she has an online presence.” Keith added. “I’m obliged to ask, what can I do?” Swindle asked. “Either stop being condescending as a vegan, or start eating animal products again!” Vortex declared. “OR that we stop judging people for how they eat and just go about our business with our own eating habits! Except for cannibals! FCK CANNIBALS!!!” Keith exploded. “As for the vegan who funded the farm…” Vortex proceeded as he brought out a cellphone on a selfie stick and took a photo of himself, Swindle and Keith. “This’ll go on that new Blabber branch-off platform! Insta-Blab!” Vortex declared as he brought the phone back down and shared the picture. “Won’t this cease all funding?” Hunk asked. “Yeah, but we only started the farm for this long-winded gag anyway!” Vortex commented as he clapped his hands and Bonecrusher proceeded to bulldoze the farm down, trailing the debris toward a hapless Getaway as he was caught in the pile and carried away with the wreckage out a back door in the warehouse that lead to a composting site. “Thanks for cleaning up the mess!” Swindle thanked as the front doors crashed open and a crazed woman leapt in with a bazooka armed. “WHO THE FCK DO YOU THINK YOU ARE, SLAUGHTERING ANIMALS LIKE…LIKE ANIMALS!?!” The woman demanded, being the vegan insurer. “I think I’m someone practicing my right to sustain myself! Er…my organic friends! Speaking of practicing my rights: POLICE!!!” Vortex hollered as shrill radio interference built up behind the vegan insurer and she was dropkicked.
[POLICE ASSAULT IN PROGRESS]
“YOU CALL THIS SAVING THE ANIMALS!?! WE CALL THIS A DIFFICULTY TWEAK!!!” The Cloaker exclaimed as he clubbed the insurer into submission. “How often are we gonna keep using this joke?” Swindle groaned. “Often enough!” Vortex answered.
Moral: Respect is a two-way street; if you want to be treated respectfully, you have to treat others respectfully.
I.E. STOP HATING VEGANS SO THE VEGANS WILL NOT HATE US BACK AND VICE VERSA!
Records of an Aspie 