[Hello, you’ve reached J.K. Rowling. I’m currently unavailable and will listen to whatever message you leave, after the beep. *BEEP*] The answering machine began as Swindle took in an intake. “Listen here, you hypocrite scumbag! One does NOT create a world of fantasy and whimsy, even going as far as to retroactively turn one of the characters gay, only to turn and decide ‘hey so, trans people are dumb’. There’s a difference between giving people the freedom to make shit like My Immortal and then telling people how to live. Thankfully, I’ve called in a mutual associate who has since already taken care of this continuity’s Senator Sterling Griff for…*ahem*…similar actions regarding assuming control over individuals’ personal tastes…kindest regards: Combaticon Swindle! P.s. if I were you, I’d accio some common sense and basic human decency before you open that front door!” Swindle concluded before hanging up and immediately getting a phone call from Boba Fett, whose called ID labeled him ‘Bro-ba Fett’. “Hello?” Swindle answered. [Sorry to say this, but I finished the job before you sent the message.] Boba explained. “Goddammit! Did you at least make sure to burn the body?” Swindle demanded.
<meanwhile>
“Among other things…” Boba confirmed from a public phone box outside the Rowling estate, which was now engulfed in flames. [Then how’d you know when the message was sent?] Swindle demanded again. “Had a fancy looking phone with a battery powered answering machine, so I decided to keep it before I set the house ablaze.” Boba elaborated. [And you made sure it looked like an accident, right?] Swindle pressed. “Mate, I smashed my ship into an asteroid, I did that much to make it look like an accident! Now…about my pay…” Boba prompted. [Soon as you deliver me something from that house!] Swindle began before explaining to Boba what he needed.
<a few hours later, back at HQ>
“You gotta be f
cking kidding me!” Tracks groaned as Swindle cooed in delight at his full collection of autographed Harry Potter books. “What? Just because she’s a discriminatory bitch, doesn’t mean her works aren’t good!” Swindle argued. “Isn’t that like defending Mein Kampf?” Warpath challenged. “Hey! This has nothing to do with that! Got it? I legitimately think the books are good! Besides, they don’t have an agenda to push!” Swindle clarified. “So you just got this…because of the skyrocket in value after the author’s death…” Tracks figured out. “Oh…that too!” Swindle admitted as he sat down and began reading one of the books. “As for the agenda argument…I know some Jehovah’s Witnesses who beg to differ!” Warpath jested, Tracks just facepalming.
Records of an Aspie 