“What’s up with Wheeljack? I haven’t heard him wailing in terror about the looting over the past few days.” Swindle explained, finding Bulkhead reading through an instruction manual for Wheeljack’s chassis while the eponymous scientist was tapping furiously on a scaled-up laptop. “His processor has gotten the first software update in deca-cycles. Now he’s showing symptoms of Asperger’s…” Bulkhead clarified, Wheeljack grimacing before turning to address them. “Just because my hearing grew more sensitive and I’ve become less responsive, DOESN’T PROVE ANYTHING!!! Besides, I’ve got bigger fish to fry!” Wheeljack complained as he returned to typing away, Vortex waiting behind the desk with an air horn before being struck by Plot Lightning. “Does this theoretical fish have to do with the usual hypocritical humans again?” Swindle grumbled. “Says the former con-bot who wanted money but couldn’t think of a method for consistent money flow, instead wanting the most he could get as soon as possible through scams and over-pricing…” Bulkhead reminded, still browsing the instructions. “Shut up! I may be a fourth your size, but I can still kill you easily!” Swindle warned. “That’s my point! You’d rather me dead than working in R&D.” Bulkhead teased before having a Scatter Blaster aimed at his head. “I know what I’d rather you be doing! Do you?” Swindle threatened, Bulkhead throwing his hands up in surrender.
“Will you two BE QUIET!!! I can’t concentrate with all your rambling!” Wheeljack complained before clicking send on an email via the massive lap top. “Right…” Swindle accepted with a shrug while retracting his weapon. “Btw: if you want me working without insulting you, then I’m sure we can reach an understanding!” Bulkhead added as Swindle gave a disinterested thumbs up and Wheeljack got a reply to his email. “Oh? That was fast!” He chirped before reading the response and grimacing again. “Is ‘Jackie butt-sore because something isn’t making any quantifiable sense?” Swindle mocked with poured lips before watching in panic as Wheeljack went full Prowl and flipped the R&D work table into the air, sending everything crashing to the floor and stunning those present with his newfound strength. “YOU BET I’M BUTT-SORE!!! I’VE JUST BEEN PROVIDED A REBUTTAL THAT READS MORE LIKE AN OBITUARY THAN ADVICE ON MY DIAGNOSIS!!! BULKHEAD, START GRIEVING FOR ME!!!” Wheeljack exploded. “Wait, WHAT!?!” Bulkhead quacked. “You heard me! START GRIEVING!!! IT’S WHAT THE ADVICE MENTIONED!!!” Wheeljack ranted as he started pacing the lab.
“We’d ask for proof, but it would appear you’ve broken the only laptop I could find in our size…” Swindle sighed as he stomped over to and inspected the laptop, which soon caught fire while in his grasp. “So you received some dodgy advice, what’s the big whoop?” Bulkhead demanded, Vortex rising like a vampire from the floor before stretching out his joints and creaking his neck. “My friend, the company is called Autism Speaks! They’re a company that has more shade than it does legitimacy! They convince people that Autism is a disease that can be cured and endorse people who think their autistic son needs the same emotional support as someone with Leukemia! And they did something that even I wouldn’t do to children: electro-shock ‘therapy’. What seems to have driven ‘Jackie over the edge is that a Sesame Street character introduced in 2017 with Autism is now being used as the poster girl for Autism Speaks’ garbage!” Vortex elaborated while sliding up uncomfortably close against Bulkhead’s face. “It’s worse than that! THEY WERE TOLD THIS WAS A BAD IDEA BY A LEGITIMATE GROUP AND IGNORED THEM!!! They were even teamed up with the group, ASAN, to make the character in the first place. Which means they had one job…ONE JOB…TO INTRODUCE A NEURO-DIVERSE CHARACTER THAT WAS 3 YEARS IN DEVELOPMENT TO LEGITIMATELY BOOST THE INCLUSIVENESS OF THEIR SHOW…AND THEY’VE RUINED EVERYTHING!!!” Wheeljack complained while tearing a console out of the wall and throwing it against the floor, smashing said console to pieces. “Now you’re overreacting! Why don’t we just go ahead and blow them off the face of the planet?” Swindle suggested. “Because The Author and I are in mutual agreement on something: Autism Speaks needs a taste of their own medicine, especially for what they’ve done ‘till now and might do going forward!” Vortex teased as he slowly brought up ground and positive for a car battery. “You mean spread misinformed lies on the internet and THEN fry their brains?” Bulkhead asked with a slightly started expression. “No! Just the latter!” Vortex clarified as he snapped ground and positive together to create a violent spark. “That doesn’t seem humane…but then again…what they did wasn’t humane either…” Swindle figured. “So…who do we outsource this time?” Vortex wondered aloud. “I know just the guys…” Wheeljack realized while developing an evil cackle.
<later at a non-disclosed Autism Speaks center (if they have any)>
“Hello sir. I have a friend here who may be on the spectrum, but my evidence is inconclusive. If you could please diagnose him, that would be appreciated.” A stoic, steel clad police officer explained before being handed a pamphlet with the same advice Wheeljack was given, his seemingly biker friend also taking a gander. “With humans like this, who needs Skynet?” He retorted before cocking a full-auto shotgun and blowing away the desk clerk. “Alright, I’ll let you get away with this, unofficially.” Robocop accepted as the Terminator accompanied his auto-shotgun with a light machine gun. “They won’t be back, trust me.” The T-800 reassured before stepping unto the breach and proceeding to shoot up all the staff in the center. “Remember kids! It’s ok to be different! We all are. But don’t think your difference is cause for grief or misery for yourself or friends and family. Besides, if we were all the same, then that’d be, frankly, very boring and potentially cause for mental or emotional damage. Embrace yours and others differences. That’s how we can make the world a better place!” Robocop told the camera amidst the gunfire, a wilhelm scream sounding off in the distance shortly after. “Just…make sure to keep your murder fantasies that: fantasies. Goodnight everyone!” Robocop greeted as the credits began rolling.
Records of an Aspie 