The Issue With ‘ Strong ’ Female Characters

“PPPPHHHH!!! HA HA HA HA HA HAAAAA!!! HA HA HA HA HA HA, HA HA HA HAAAAA…you’re serious?” Vortex asked the camera before grimacing and pointing to stage left. “I’m sorry, but please explain…” Blanc requested, standing alongside Rom, Ram and Grimlock. “Apparently some movies think women characters need to be devoid of all female qualities in order to classify as being ‘strong’. So I ask you, almighty nigh-mortal goddess who can smite down those who wish you harm or inconvenience, what’s your hobby?” Vortex proceeded as he approached the group with a clipboard and pen. “I write self-insert fan fiction and my sisters play games or with toys.” Blanc answered. “And your attire consists of…” Vortex continued. “Shoulderless jackets, sandals, mushroomoid hats and short dresses for me, fur lined dress-jackets, mushroomoid hats and fur boots for the twins.” Blanc answered again. “Romantic partner?” Vortex proceeded. “Well, Grimlock. He’s even started letting me get away with calling him a bozo!” Blanc chirped. “That because Me Grimlock get away with calling White flat front without White notice.” Grimlock chuckled, Blanc grimacing instantly. “A fair trade-off…” She growled. “CFW Trick doesn’t count, does he?” Ram gulped. “No he doesn’t. Favorite highlight colour?” Vortex pressed as Rom and Ram let out a collective sigh of relief. “Powder blue for myself, pink for the twins.” Blanc answered. “Weapon of choice?” Vortex carried on. “A motha-fckin’ rocket axe!” Blanc cheered. “Btch, I know it! Favorite movie scene?” Vortex marched on. “Jack’s death in Titanic for the twins and the Junkeon Party from Transformers The Movie for me.” Blanc answered, Grimlock furrowing his brow in confusion. “Wasn’t Me Grimlock first kiss there?” He pondered while scratching his chin, Blanc giggling at his reaction. “Least favorite movie scene?” Vortex added. “ALL OF FIFTY SHADES OF GREY!!!” Blanc proclaimed. “Would you describe your attire as concealing or revealing? If the latter, are you ashamed or embarrassed about it?” Vortex checked. “Revealing. And no.” Blanc answered. “CONGRATULATIONS!!! YOU FAILED THE STRONG FEMALE CHARACTER TEST!!!” Vortex celebrated, revealing the survey he’d been filling out while asking the questions. “WHAT!?!” Blanc exploded as she looked at the survey for herself. “Wait…then what would have allowed us to win?” Rom asked. “Well, The Author did provide an example, though He also admitted that said example is an exception because of various background reasons.” Vortex mentioned as he gestured to stage right, where Rey was stood, leaning on her improvised bo-staff. “An example of what?” Ram asked. “Why, storytelling’s best and worst frienemy: A MARY SUE!!!” Vortex answered, prompting Rey to perk up in alarm. “YOU’RE A MONSTER!!!” She accused before getting yanked off stage by a cane. “Yeah? Well at least you know NOW that Reylo was possible without being weird! Now, since you’ve failed to meet the criteria for a ‘strong’ female character, you still win a different test!” Vortex teased. “That test being?” Blanc prompted. “YOU WIN AT BEING A DEVELOPED CHARACTER!!! And trust me, I KNOW UNDERDEVELOPED CHARACTERS!!! I WAS A BACKGROUND CHARACTER AND NAMESAKE FOR THE BETTER HALF OF ALL MY APPEARANCES ON TV, IN COMICS AND ON STORE SHELVES, FOLLOWING MY DEBUT!!!” Vortex exploded. “It ain’t no Pontiac, but I’ll take this victory!” Blanc groaned as the twins and Grimlock celebrated the fact they won at all.