…American Liberian Healthcare Situation Update (I am prepared to burn in hell for writing this)
“Hey! You know that Fallout 76 trailer where Country Roads starts playing when the nuke drops?” Vortex asked excitedly as he smashed his head through Shirley’s dorm room wall, scaring the Liberian Ace into a wailing infant. “BWAAAGH!!! UH…is it relevant to something involving me?” She quacked. “Yup!” Vortex confirmed as he started playing Country Roads while showing Shirley a screen streaming the live COVID19 fatality rates in Liberion, a single red skull icon showing on the map after the 12th guitar strum within the song intro. “Hang on…is this…” Shirley began before the red skulls started engulfing the entire Liberion map. “Uninsured healthcare related deaths? YUP!!!” Vortex confirmed with a thumbs up as Shirley started wailing in a mix of outrage and terror at the still climbing death toll, icons even appearing in parts of Liberion that were supposed to be uninhabited. “I WAS SHOT IN THE HEAD FOR THIS!?! WHY DIDN’T THAT BITCH PRESIDENT OF MINE NOT IMPLEMENT THE UNIVERSAL HEALTHCARE!?!” Shirley exploded. “It gets better! Turns out Trump-man heard the warnings way ahead of the first case in Liberion and did nothing about it, even saying that it was under control when people started dying!” Vortex added as Shirley’s eyes rolled into the back of her head and she collapsed to the floor. “Oh, how the mighty hath fallen!” Vortex mocked.
<meanwhile, in Shirley’s nerve center>
“It seems I am no longer needed. Farewell!” A yellow tinted Shirley greeted as she donned a fedora and made for the exit. “WAIT!!! DON’T GO!!! WE NEED YOU!!!” A purple tinted Shirley wailed as she dragged at yellow Shirley’s leg. “Really? Because I’d just be taking up space at this point.” Yellow Shirley mentioned while pointing to the control panel. “You had one job! One job! AND YOU BLEW IT!!! YOU DAMN DIRTY APE, YOU BLEW IT ALL TO HELL!!!” A red tinted Shirley exploded, engulfed in flames. “All I can say is that I’m done! F
cking, DONE!!!” A green tinted Shirley agreed. “You know, there’s room for two back here!” A blue tinted Shirley mentioned while directing her compatriots to the back of the nerve center, where coffee stained mattresses lay on the floor beside a stack of cans of spam. “Frankly my dear, I don’t give a damn!” Yellow Shirley denied, twisting the handle for the exit door before being accosted by someone abusing the laws of time and space. “By the by, I should mention to you that Trump-man also has COVID19, should make you feel infinitely better. Mind if I keep this rift open?” Vortex asked as he leaned in through the door, red Shirley kicking him back through before blocking off the rift. “YOU, CONTROL CONSOLE, NOW!!!” Red Shirley ordered as she redirected yellow Shirley and shoved her to the control console.
<meanwhile, back in reality>
“
COUNTRY ROADS!!! TAKE ME HOME, WITH A VIRUS, I WON’T SURVIVE!!! CORONA VIRUS, COVID19, TAKE ME HOME, COUNTRY ROADS!!!” Vortex sang as he departed, Shirley still unconscious on the floor when the iris transition closed the scene.
Records of an Aspie 