The Issue With…

“Hmmm…” Vortex sounded as he, Blast-Off and Fog Cruiser Maya’s mental model* stood by the water cooler. “What is it? Knowing you, it’s probably some meta bullshit!” Blast-Off figured. “There be a STRIKE-THROUGH in the title! Me thinks this is less subtle than previous shorts…” Vortex pondered before being slammed into the wall by Swindle’s office door. “FOR THE LAST TIME: I’M NOT WASTING RESOURCES IN LIBERION!!!” Swindle declared as he stormed out of the room, Shirley rushing after him. “Whether it’s my fault, yours or FCKING MALONEY’S fault, I DON’T WANT MY COUNTRYWOMEN TO SUFFER BECAUSE OF A FCKING DIP-SHIT OF A PRESIDENT!!!” She argued, the door swinging closed slowly, allowing Vortex to collapse forward and face plant into the floor. “Hey Short-Stack, Long-Ears! You care to enlighten the more higher minded of us as to HOW THE HELL I WAS SMASHED INTO THE WALL BY YOUR LIMP-WRIST!?!” Vortex exploded as he got up, Swindle and Shirley halting their bickering. “Reinforced steel door, rubbish cinderblock wall, you didn’t brace for the impact!” Blast-Off pointed out. “And that’s beside the point: Yeager wants me to airdrop medical supplies over Liberion! Apparently Francine, from the pool party, DEAD!!! And the Truman stand-in: THE ‘AN’ IS PRONOUNCED AS A SOLID ‘P’!!! That is one reason why I don’t want to go there. The other reason: WE’VE NOT EVEN MADE CONTACT WITH THE BITCH AND SHE’S ALREADY LOBBIED TRILLIONS INTO STOPPING US FROM TRADING WITH THAT CESSPIT!!!” Swindle complained. “I’m going to ignore the blatant defacing of my homeland and agree with the sentiment behind it. My problem though is that because of logistical reasons that DON’T EXIST, stubbing your toe can drive you BANKRUPT!!!” Shirley explained. “Why?” Maya butted in. “‘Keeping medical services reserved for those who pay their taxes and are entitled to it.’” Shirley mocked while using heavily emphasized air quotes. “And if we were to get a medical professional to analyze the problem?” Vortex proposed as Swindle went wide-opticked in terror.

<later, at the Protectobot HQ in Lastation>

“The fck kind of bureaucratic snuff have you been watching?” First-Aid laughed as he dropped his tools mid-operation into the patient. “Uh…doc?” Noire gulped as First-Aid jauntily reached into her gut with an ungloved hand. “It’s super real! True story!” Vortex reassured flatly, Swindle looking on in concern. “Hmm! Bet it’d beat 1984 and Black Mirror: best dystopian alternate reality fiction of the decade!” First-Aid chuckled as Noire twitched in reaction to something being poked, the doctor quickly pulling his hand back out and removing a still beating heart with it. “GYAAAAARGH!!!” Noire wailed, the heart beat monitor flatlining and the CPU still alive, despite the missing vital organ. “Think that’s bad? If you weren’t Noire’s specialized doctor, she’d have to pay thousands just for a burst appendix. Not that insurance can cover the damage you’re inadvertently doing!” Vortex commented as First-Aid threw Noire’s heart into a modified blender with a basket ball, a brick and a coconut crab. “What damage?” First-Aid asked psychotically as he pulled a ripcord on the blender and a Corvette V8 revved to life, the high powered blender reducing the contents to pulp. “Nooo…” Noire wobbled as she feebly reached out to the blender. “I take it, the verdict on the Liberion situation is that we fix it immediately?” Swindle guessed, First-Aid offering him a pitcher of smoothie made using the V8 Blender. “Of course you should! Now, if you’ll pardon me, I’ll be off to hang myself.” First-Aid proclaimed joyously as he brought out a noose and waltzed to his desk. “What about the patient?” Swindle asked as he pointed to Noire, who was slowly turning grey but somehow holding on to life. “Meh! She’ll live!” Vortex denounced before the ceiling collapsed behind them, the duo turning to see First-Aid smashed through the floor with plaster dust raining from above. “He, however, won’t.” Vortex added. “JUST KILL ME ALREADY!!! I DON’T WANT TO LIVE IN A MULTIVERSE WHERE MORE THAN JUST ONE VERSION OF THE SAME COUNTRY BASICALLY PRACTICES EUGENICS VIA CAPITALISM!!!” First-Aid cried as he got out from the crater and started smashing his head violently against a wall. “I don’t have the budget to go to Liberion at the moment though, so what do we do?” Swindle quacked. “First, revitalize Noire before she dies. Second, call Krampus and tell him to bring his polished rifles! I have an idea!” Vortex proclaimed, Noire starting to shrivel like a prune as she withstood not having a heart.

<later, in Liberion>

[ATTENTION LIBERION BASTARDS!!!] Krampus introduced as all the televisions across Liberion tuned to him standing in front of Shirley, who was tied down to a chair and gagged with tape. [If your Commander in Chief does not concede to our demands, we will execute your star witch!] Krampus declared before a telephone rang on his end and he answered. [Hello?] He answered. [Yeah, hi. What’re the demands?] The Liberian President asked. [Glad you asked! We want you to make healthcare available to everyone in your country! Failure to do so will lead to Miss Yeager’s untimely death, AS A VIRGIN!!!] Krampus pronounced before getting a dial tone. [Uh…hello?] Krampus checked, Shirley furrowing her brow in disappointment. [Did he just hang up on me because he doesn’t want universal healthcare that bad?] Krampus demanded as one of his men shrugged at him from behind the camera. [What if I threatened to bomb his favorite coffee chain? His house? AN ORPHANAGE!?! WHAT THE HELL DO I DO!?!] Krampus exploded as he pulled out a revolver and chambered a live round. [GIVE ME SOME KIND OF FEEDBACK ABOUT THIS WHOLE SHIT FEST!!!] He ordered before the phone rang again and he answered using his off hand. [WHAT IS IT!?!] Krampus demanded. [Go right ahead and dome the bitch! I’d rather our symbol of the USAF be in the ground than people get free health care!] The Liberian President declared before hanging up. [Fine then!] Krampus accepted before firing, Shirley and her chair flying sideways off screen and blood shattering on the wall behind them. [Somebody tell Swindle that I quit this extremist gig! I want in on his vaunted rec room!] Krampus groaned as the camera cut to looping footage of Vortex doing the Fortnite Default Dance, the Liberian family on the other side of the TV looking on in horror, the baby taking her dad’s beer and downing it as fast as she could and the mother taking out a foot-long cigar and lighting the end of it.

<Back at the 501st HQ>

“SHIRLEY!!!” Lucchini wailed as she lay beside her comatose friend, Swindle, Vortex and Krampus trying to debunk what had happened. “Not even the death of a national icon could convince her! Suppose Liberion is doomed.” Krampus figured. “This is reminding me of the short where Wheeljack failed to stop fraudulent scientific reports…” Vortex commented. “SHIRLEY DIED JUST TO PROVE THAT!?! YOU BASTARDS!!!” Lucchini cried as Shirley coughed and slowly awoke, her head already wrapped in bandages. “Was I just shot in the head with a .44?” She asked slowly before being tackled by Lucchini. “GRAZIE ALL’AUTORE CHE SEI VIVO!!! NON FARLO MAI PIÙ!!!” She wept, hugging Shirley hard enough to turn her face blue from suffocation. “Why didn’t the bullet kill her though?” Swindle demanded, Krampus pulling out the revolver in question. “Dud ammunition. Hopefully our new allegiance will prove beneficial to our effectiveness as a militia.” He commented before the revolver went off and shot a propane tank, striking the top off, causing it to fly uncontrollably out the window and detonate on Getaway. “ARE YOU KIDDING ME!?! MEDIC!!!” He wailed from outside. “So…how much will this visit cost me?” Shirley sighed as Lucchini’s familiar activated and she purred joyously at her friend’s recovery. “Well, the facilities of the base were used for bullet extraction, but Miyafuji is neither a licensed doctor, or part of your country’s insurance plan. So…” Swindle proceeded before producing the bill and tearing it clean in half. “I’ll cover the tab! Just try not to get shot in the head again! Cranial surgery is expensive! Especially when the brain needs to be reassembled afterward!” Swindle complained as he stormed off. “You do that, I’ll just return this to Noire! Probably gonna need it after First-Aid turned the Mega-Baboon one into a smoothie.” Vortex figured as he revealed a pickle jar containing Noire’s actual heart, himself leaving back for Lastation and leaving the three organics baffled in the infirmary. “Always something new either going well for SwindleCo., or bad! At least now we both suffer and benefit instead of trade off…” Krampus sighed as Lucchini shrugged and continued hugging Shirley.

*Maya was introduced in a previous, unpublished short story